Are you a jerk?
What if I were to approach your parents and ask them this question about you? “Hey, Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So. Is your kid a jerk?” What would they respond? Well, let’s see…do you talk back to your parents? Do you remember to call them? Did you take your mother out for her birthday this year? What about if I asked your closest friends the same question about you: Are you around for them when they need a shoulder to cry on? Have they ever caught you spilling one of their secrets to other people?
More likely than not, you probably get along quite well with those in your family as well as your closest friends. Chances are, also, that over the course of your relationships with these people, you’ve exhibited some jerk-like behavior toward them every now and then. Do these sporadic moments of jerkiness cause these people to classify you as a jerk overall? In most cases, probably not, since with every episode of jerkiness you’ve displayed, you’ve probably also had a multitude of episodes that demonstrate your more positive qualities: perhaps you bought your friend the watch that struck her fancy for her birthday or did your parents’ taxes for them. Perhaps you sacrificed a whole evening’s worth or work in order to comfort a friend after she had been fired from her job. Whatever the case may be, those who know you well know that although you have your “moments”, you’re an overall-decent person.
Now let’s ask those who dislike you the same question: Are you a jerk? A larger quantity of these people would probably respond with a “yes.” Why is this? Most of the time, those who dislike you do not know you as well as your family and close friends do. I mean, you do not like one another, so how much time have you actually spent getting to know one another? Too often in life, a single negative interaction or annoying habit can lead to one person’s disliking of another one, which can eventually grow to a great tension – sometimes even the formation of enemies! - between two people. For example, let’s say Billy and Sally are complete strangers, and Billy accidentally trips Sally with his foot. Gasp! Guess what? Billy doesn’t apologize. After Sally becomes offended that Billy did not apologize to her, it is imprinted in Sally’s mind that Billy is “rude”, and she forms the rest of her opinion about him as a whole person based on his actions, or lack thereof, in this one incident. She starts noticing all of the “rude” things that Billy does – a time when he loses eye contact with a person he was talking to; a time when he is sending a text message to a friend when another person is talking to him; a time when he burps and doesn’t say “Excuse me!” – and tells her friends that Billy is just a rude person. Word gets around to Billy that Sally is talking about him behind his back, and Billy grows angry at Sally for trying to tarnish his reputation. He may start calling Sally rather crude names behind her back, starting a vicious cycle of rumors and name-calling.
The bottom line is this: Do these two people actually know one another well? No. Did they take the time to get to know one another well? No, because one incident (the accidental tripping without the apology) led one individual to form a negative opinion about the other individual. Since the negative opinion of the offender had already been formed, he can no longer redeem himself by showing off his more positive qualities in the future, as once an opinion is formed, it is not easily changed. Plus, by that time, the two individuals have had other conflicts with one another, conflicts that are much more personal than the initial incident, conflicts involving false rumors and name-calling and everything that people should have stopped doing at age eight but for some reason keep doing into our adulthood. Really, this stuff is gold for Reality TV, but pitiful in real life. (Side note: If you don’t believe that people start disliking one another for reasons as stupid as getting tripped by accident and not receiving an apology, you clearly don’t know people!)
In a story, there are characters who are “round” and characters who are “flat.” “Round” characters are the main characters: those who are developed, those with a back story, those with internal conflicts, those whose thoughts and actions affect the entire outcome of the story. Then there are the “flat” characters: think Friar John from Romeo and Juliet. You remember: “Oh, hey, Friar Laurence! You gave me one simple task to do, and I couldn’t do it because I was locked in a room, since some people suspected that I might have the plague. Better luck next time!” Friar John is a “flat” character. In the play, very little about his personality or background is revealed. He has one role, he plays it (or fails to play it, as the case may be), and then he disappears into oblivion. Great guy!
Too often, people have a tendency to think of other people as “flat” characters with no dimension whatsoever. Let's say a guy cuts you off in traffic. You write him off as a selfish road hog and drive on your merry way. Can you really determine if this guy is selfish? What if it turns out that the reason he cut you off was because he was rushing his son to the emergency room? Would that change your opinion? Do you still think he's selfish? Each person is complex, filled with a lifetime of experiences that shape who he/she is currently and a wide variety of positive and negative personality traits that come out at different times. It’s unfair to judge the whole person’s character by one incident or even by one context. Do you act the exact same way around your parents as you do your friends? How is that different from the way you act around your teachers?
Let’s take a look at this from a teaching standpoint: Have you ever had a student who was just hard to handle? Does she try to sleep in class in class constantly, fail quizzes repeatedly, talk back to you, and turn in assignments late? Did you find yourself dismissing students like these as “lazy” or “rude”? The fact of the matter is that the setting of your classroom is just one context. How do you know that Courtney doesn’t excel in math, even though she is nearly failing your history class? How do you know that the reason Russell doesn’t seem to respect female authority figures is because he doesn’t have a positive female role model at home? You don’t! Students will exhibit certain behaviors in your classroom which may not always be behaviors that they exhibit in other facets of their lives. By all means, you should most definitely correct the behaviors that are inappropriate for the classroom (it’s your job!), but do not be so harsh as to make judgments about the overall character of your students based on what you see in your classroom alone. Do not simply assume that a student's behavior in your classroom paints the full picture of who they are, and most definitely do not give up on trying to get through to them!
Remember: to each person, there is a juxtaposition of good and bad. On that note, some people also have a talking, chocolate goblin with three front teeth living in their brain and giving them orders, but that’s for another day…
This entry has been brought to you by peace, love, and common sense.
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