Valentine's Day has never made sense to me. I mean, I understand the concept of Valentine's Day and that it solely exists as a "Hallmark Holiday" that ultimately benefits corporations, but really, what's the point for the rest of us? Why must we conform and celebrate this "holiday" year after year? Whether you're single or in a relationship, it's a holiday that will leave you feeling down.
If you're single, you're upset that you don't have anybody with whom to share this holiday; if you're in a relationship, you are not satisfied with the holiday because no matter what your significant other does for you or vice-versa, some obnoxious person is going to share some over-the-top gesture that his/her significant other did for him/her, making you wonder why your significant other didn't go out of his/her way to do something like that for you. Also, it's a holiday that celebrates showing love to another person; isn't that something that should be happening all the time anyway? Why should a special day be set aside for that?
Schools try their best to shield kids from the unfairness and sorrow that is usually associated with this holiday; in most elementary schools, Valentine's Day is celebrated with a class party in which everybody participates, and those who opt to bring in Valentine's cards and candy are required to bring in a card and candy for each person in the class. It prevents hurt feelings, and it's fair. Good.
The problem starts in middle school.
By the time students reach middle school, teachers generally do not put their lesson plans on hold just to take one day to have a Valentine's Day party; it wastes valuable learning time! Because there are no more organized class parties, students are no longer required to bring in a Valentine's card for each person in the class - since students have so many classes, it would be an impossible task to complete and comes with its own complications (Ex: "If Susie is in three of my classes, should I write her three cards or just one?!")
The problem is that students will bring in cards and treats anyway, but only for their select group of friends. This results in a plethora of students feeling hurt and left out and often wondering what is wrong with them. As most of us can recall from our days of adolescence, students in middle and high school will generally take the unfairness and hurt very personally and may start to wonder if there is something wrong with them.
My First Valentine's Day as a Teacher
I had my first experience with Valentine's Day as a full-time teacher this past February. At the charter school at which I worked, we had a total of four classes of middle schoolers: two sixth grade sections, one seventh grade section, and one eighth grade section. Students stayed in their assigned classes as they rotated teachers throughout the day (with the exception of one elective that we created specifically for fourth quarter, but that's irrelevant to this story.)
With this setup, it technically would have been possible to require students to write a Valentine's card and/or bring in a treat for each person in their class, should they choose to do either of these things. Instead, Valentine's Day cards were turned into a fundraiser. During lunch in the days leading up to Valentine's Day, the eighth graders sold "Love Grams" to raise money for their end-of-the-year Cedar Point trip. Students could purchase as many "Love Grams" as they so desired, and they would be delivered to the recipient's fourth hour teacher on Valentine's Day along with a piece of candy.
Passing out those "Love Grams" on Valentine's Day was one of my most emotionally scarring teaching experiences to date. First of all, my fourth hour class was a sixth grade class - sixth graders who were very sweet kids (albeit disruptive at times) and had just come from elementary school, where they were used to Valentine's Day parties that were all about equality. They were unfortunately in for a rude awakening. Secondly, the students were standing in extremely close proximity to me the entire time I was passing out the "Love Grams" because they wanted to read the contents of the "Love Grams" over my shoulder (likely hoping that they'd see something juicy for future gossip?) I had to tell the students to back up multiple times. Then, I had to hand each "Love Gram" and a piece of candy to its recipient. After a while, I noticed that I kept handing "Love Grams" to the same people.
Finally, and worst of all, I saw the look of dejection on the faces of the students who did not receive one - kids who were such kind-hearted people and didn't deserve to feel left out and unloved. It broke my heart.
I started mentally kicking myself for not seeing the potential for that situation to happen from the start. If middle schoolers have the freedom to buy as many "Love Grams" as they wanted for whomever they so choose, of course there's a chance that some kids in the class would not be receiving one. It's part of the sad brutality of middle school popularity. Trust me: been there, done that in my own childhood, and I definitely best related to the kids who did not receive one. Why hadn't I brought in extra candy?!
I immediately started scrounging around my desk to see if I had anything I could give those students. I found an unopened/untouched lollipop that another student in a previous hour had given to me, and I gave it to one of the girls who did not receive a "Love Gram." I felt a little cheap doing that because the student who had given that lollipop to me earlier that day had written his name in the "from" category on the lollipop, but I told the girl that she could consider the lollipop from me.
For the other three young men who were in that situation, the only other treat I had in my classroom was a tiny cupcake - and by "tiny", I mean one of those bite-sized cupcakes. It looked ridiculous, but I actually used my hand to split my one tiny cupcake into thirds so that each of the boys could have a small piece of it. It wasn't a lot, but it was a gesture to show that they deserved a treat as much as any other student on this brutal, needlessly-unfair "holiday" and that they were worth giving up the only treats I received just to show them that they were not forgotten or unappreciated.
What to do?
Looking back, there were a few things that could have been done to nip this situation in the bud before it became a problem. Perhaps I should have gone out and bought cupcakes or extra candy for the students who did not receive a "Love Gram." Perhaps we, as the middle school teachers, should have viewed the "Love Grams" before they were distributed just to make sure that each kid received one and written our own "Love Grams" out to the students who did not. Maybe the students would be embarrassed to be receiving them from their teachers, but nobody else would have had to know that. Plus, they would have still received candy!
To make up for my lack of extra treats on Valentine's Day, I made sure that I came to school the day before spring break (Easter season) prepared: There was a doughnut fundraiser around that time, and I purchased three boxes of doughnuts from one of my sixth graders. I kept the doughnuts in the classroom and may have eaten a few with my lunch now and then (SHHH!), and on the last day of school before spring break, I made sure to give doughnuts out to ALL of my students in my fourth hour class.
Nobody gets through his/her first year of teaching without regrets, and not anticipating the Valentine's Day fiasco ahead of time and therefore not coming prepared with extra candy was certainly one of mine. Hopefully next year, Valentine's Day will run more smoothly with fewer hurt feelings.
Until then, we'll just chalk Valentine's Day up there with one of those unanticipated challenges in secondary teaching - a challenge that, if not handled correctly, can result in the hurt feelings of some pretty great kids. For all of you reading this who are in charge of the curriculum for secondary teacher education programs, maybe it's time to add "handling Valentine's Day" as a lesson in the curriculum so that we all know to come to school prepared!
For my secondary teacher friends reading this, how do you try to minimize the hurt feelings among your students on Valentine's Day? Do you have any tips or strategies for new teachers that you'd like to share?
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